The Only (Un)useful BMW Buyer’s Guide You Will Ever Need!

The sheer number of BMW models on offer is mind-boggling. Not only is it confusing to choose which model best suits your needs but often, too much choice can put you off from buying anything at all. In our hectic and chaotic lives, we require simplicity and minimalist decision making, but BMW have different ideas. You can think of this as an ‘idiots buyer’s guide to BMW’ but I want to highlight just how many BMW models there are and question if we really need all of them.

BMW 1 Series

 

BMW 1 series
The one, the only one & nothing but the 1 series

Let’s start easy: the 1 Series is simply a hatchback that comes in 3 or 5 door configuration with varying petrol/diesel engines.

BMW 2 Series

 

BMW 2 series
Two 2 series (Seeing double)

The 2 Series is essentially the 1 Series, in coupe form. BMW only offers the 2 series in a 2-door coupe or convertible configuration, again with varying engine sizes. Think of the 1 & 2 Series like the baby, entry level series BMWs aimed at the younger market.

BMW 3 Series        

                                              

BMW 3 series
BMW 3 series

The 3 Series can be configured as a 5 door saloon or touring (estate) with varying engine sizes. There is no 2-door model or convertible on offer.

BMW 4 Series

 

BMW 4 series
Three 4 series

The 4 series is essentially a bigger 2 Series OR a 2-door version of the 3 series, as it has been previously described. It can be configured as a 2-door, 2-door convertible AND a 5 door coupe (or a Gran Coupe as BMW like to call it). My first quarrel and confusion is between the 3 series and the 4 series Gran Coupe. As far as I can tell the only distinction between the two cars is one is a saloon and the other a coupe. Yet, they have the same number of seats and doors, so what exactly is the difference. BMW claim the 4 series is sportier version of the 3 series, but if you wanted ‘sporty’ then why not buy the BMW M3 saloon?

BMW 5 Series 

BMW 5 series

Essentially, the 5 series is a more executive 3 series. Think of 5 series as middle class, whereas 3 series as the working class. The 5 series is bigger, more sophisticated and more expensive and thankfully only has 2 configurations: saloon and touring (estate)

BMW 6 Series

 

BMW 6 series
How good does it look though?!

The 6 series is essentially a 5 series coupe with a 2-door, 2-door convertible and a 5 door configuration. Or is the 6 series a larger 4 series coupe? I’m so confused. Anyway, moving on…

BMW 7 Series

BMW-7-series.jpg
BMW 5 series. Oh sorry, I mean 7 series

Last, but not least is the 7 series. Step aside 5 series, as the 7 series is a larger, more executive and more expensive 5 series. Think of the 7 series as upper class which looks down its nose at the lesser 5 series. The only configuration available is a 5 door saloon with varying engine sizes.

BMW 8 Series (say whaaaat!) 

BMW 8 series.jpg
The only image released by BMW

Although not yet released, the BMW 8 series is to make a grand comeback in 2018. A big, luxury GT cruiser – Oh I can just imagine the depreciation.

And Breathe…

So, time to relax and recap: the 2 series is a 1 series coupe, the 4 series is a 3 series coupe and the 6 series is a 5 series coupe. The 7 series is a larger and more executive 5 series, whereas the 5 series is a larger and more executive 3 series. And the 8 series? Well, who knows what that is. Confused? We haven’t even covered BMW M cars, X range, i range, Z4 or the random models in between like the strange 2 series gran tourer.

BMW X Range 

X range.jpg
X1, X3, X5, X4 & X6 in that order. Or is it X6 and X4? I cannot tell the difference

The X range is BMW’s off-road/SUV series. The X1 is the less expensive, smaller and ‘just as bad’ as off-roading as the X3. The X5 is just a bigger X3. The X4 is an X3 coupe (I think) and the X6 is an X5 coupe. How would you choose between an X1, X3 and X5 because they’re pretty much the same car? It’s like when you go into a coffee shop and you don’t know whether to buy a small, medium or large. If you buy small, you may want more but if you buy large you may not finish it. The best is just to go for a medium coffee. In conclusion, buy the X3. Actually, don’t buy any of them at all – buy a Tesla Model X.

BMW M Range

2017-BMW-M2-Coupe-0
The M2 is widely recognised as the best M car

 The BMW: M2, M3, M4, M5 and M6 are all just faster versions of all the above corresponding series. (Also known as the ‘fun’ range)

BMW i Range

 

bmw-i3-bmw-i8.jpg
i8 and i3

Only 2 models in this series: Buy the BMW i3 if you want something small and great for city driving. Buy the i8 if you want to go fast (but not that fast), whilst looking good and not damaging the environment at the same time.

BMW Z4

 

bmwz408
If you squint your eyes, its kind of resembles a Ferrari California

A BMW 2 seat sports coupe. These used to be extremely popular but now I hardly see them around.

2 series Active Tourer

2-series-33_0
I’m sorry for blinding you with the ugliness, but it’s part of my job to show you how each BMW looks… sorry again

I still have no idea what this model is or the use it has. Why not just buy one of the X series range?

In conclusion, you buy a 1 series if you want a small hatchback. You buy a 2 series if you want a small coupe and a 3 series if you require a family saloon. You buy a 4 series if you want a larger 2 series and a 5 series if you want an even larger 5 door saloon than the 3 series. You buy a 6 series if you are a d*ck and a 7 series if you are a chauffeur.

An X1 has no use as an off-roader and it’s not large enough to pose a presence on the road, so may as well just stick with the 1 series hatchback. Buy an X3 if you want a wannabe off-roader and buy an X5 if you’re drug dealer. Why anyone would buy the X4 and X6 I have no idea.

I hope this BMW buyer’s guide has been useful in choosing your next BMW. If you’re still confused, buy a Tesla (Only 2 models)

Thanks for reading!

 

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